Anticipation can be exciting, delightful, tantalizing. On the flip side, anticipation can be paralyzing and stupefying when you don’t know what you’re anticipating. When something is coming, you just don’t know what.

The more negative among us would probably call it “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” But it doesn’t have to be something bad, a “something wicked this way comes” kind of thing. Life is not a Stephen King novel, though sometimes it feels like it.

Maybe the whole concept is stupefying for most of you, with a seriously crazy or New-Agey vibe, but for me it’s a way of life. For as long as I can remember I’ve had spells of sensing something coming, followed by an “oh, so that’s what it was” recognition after it happens/arrives.

Since early spring, the anticipation has been building.

Several big things have happened since the feeling started – good, great and pretty damn bad – but none have elicited the “OK, that was it” recognition.

Is it cosmic? Is it personal or familial? Is it the presidential election? Is it The Handmaid’s Tale* coming true? 

I can’t help but let the election fill me with trepidation, though I still expect it to result in gratification, not consternation and devastation. So maybe that’s not it at all.

November definitely brings jubilation, with the arrival of grandson No. 2, grandchild No. 4. We can’t wait to meet him.

But he’s not it; this isn’t a game of tag.

I know it’s out there.

But I’m determined to shake this ennui** that’s keeping me from being productive. If I get interrupted in the middle of something, oh, well. Life goes on. Anticipation is turning into an excuse for procrastination – and that comes all too naturally to me.

So onward and upward.

*Eerily, The Handmaid’s Tale is the first thing to pop up in my Google search window these days if I type “the ha” ….

*I can’t use the word “ennui” without thinking of The Awakening, by Kate Chopin. If you don’t know her, you might want to check her out at your local library or bookstore.

One thought on “Anticipation

  1. Pingback: Broken heart « The Lolly Diaries

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