Nobody’s fault but mine
July 19, 2012
Perhaps you’ve noticed it’s been quiet at The Lolly Diaries lately. Not that I really expect you to notice, but if you have, I owe you an explanation. It’s nobody’s fault but mine – I’ve been wrestling with a decision that writing hasn’t come easily.
But today the decision materialized and, though a bit sad, I feel good about it overall. And again, it’s nobody’s fault, just my decision based on timing.
That decision is to put grad school and my MSW on hold. We’ll see what the future holds, but the present has held some family medical crises that have made me realize we have a predicament here.
Full-time grad school plus a two-day-a-week internship don’t lend themselves lightly to taking time off when a parent needs you.
Or on the happy end of the spectrum, when a new grandchild arrives, as will happen in November.
I want to be available to help in anyway on either end of the spectrum – and without having to ask for favors or indulgences from the Department of Social Work. Or, heaven forbid, without making bad grades from missing classes.
That is so 19-year-old Laura-ish. At 56, you take school seriously.
But you take life’s signals more seriously, if you’re tapped into them. They’re telling me to slow down. Pay attention.
As you can see in this picture from Sylvia’s first birthday party in mid-June, Mother looks vibrant, happy and beautiful, for a great-grammy – heck, for anybody of any age. By late June, she was hospitalized in bad shape and things were pretty scary.
She’s all right now, but it’s a constant fine-balancing act.
We left her still sick to jet up to Washington, to John’s ailing mother; a return trip already beckons by October, if not before.
Those are the things that matter the most right now.
Interestingly, as I’ve been wrestling with these things, a couple of cool, part-time job possibilities have sought me out – ones that can be done on my schedule and via internet if I’m called away.
Maybe they won’t pan even out, but maybe it’s the universe talking.
And Julia and I have VernaJewel fired up. That makes us a couple of happy sew-and-sews.
We’ll see what I can stitch up for the future, but for now, I’m at peace with a hard decision. Wistful, a bit heart-achy, but at peace. It was great scoring well on the MAT and getting accepted into the program. I loved the hard work, managing to make all As and hanging with the college kids.
But I love being there for the people I love even more.